Somethings Noted

Years ago, a very dear friend would continuously ask me if I was “happy and content”. (Please note that happiness was defined as the content knowledge and acceptance of what is and it is and will be okay, not to be mixed with idea that happiness is a feeling). That constant reminder was sort of a challenge, and at that time in my life I was NOT happy and definitely NOT content. So, to be constantly asked (almost daily) that question was frustrating and challenging. I understood the reasoning behind the constant inquiry and understood why that friend wanted me to consider such an attitude about life, but I could not help but fight it. Over time I was able to perceive things, feelings, and my life differently because of that constant reminder and I look back now and see how that time allowed me to  grow in ways I never had, improve in attitude and character, be okay with the way I looked, begin expressing myself in healthier ways, let my feelings actually feel, and experience the most out of life.

The last 3-4 years or so, have been fairly content and just cruising. I was happy with where life was leading me. I had finished school, made a move, got a new job that was nothing I had expected for my career life, made new wonderful friends, becoming healthy again, traveling, and revisiting old hobbies and passions that had been set aside for years. I was happy. I was content. Yes there were things that were annoying to me still, but it was okay. I was content.

As I have noted in previous posts, the past few months have been a bit more of a challenge. While I am too  incredibly shy and too self conscious to express some of the things that was getting to me, the general idea was that I was feeling failure, rejection, discomfort, exhaustion, sadness, diminishing hope, jealousy, and fear. As my birthday and the holidays began to approach, I had a new sense of hope and determination to learn to except reality and instead of letting it get the best of me, face forward with contentment.

Then things happened. I got bad news the day before my birthday, approximately 8 hours after I had written a very positive and content and exciting post to my blog (a post about letting go of all those negative feelings I was experiencing the months prior and facing the upcoming year of my life with ambition, contentment, and patience). Someone, a dear lady, a client I cared for, and a dear friend to me was very ill and could die at any time. I spent the next 5 and half days as close as I could to her. Then it was time to say goodbye and let go.

The past 24 days have been painful, and definitely not what I wanted. Dealing with the feelings of loss of a friend’s life and the rush of previous aches and pains that I was just ready to give up. I struggle.

Do I allow myself to feel? Or do hold back for the sake of myself and others?

Do I focus on taking care of myself? Or do I support those who are hurting too?

Can I do both? Have I been doing both?

Do I work all the harder? Or do I step back and take a break?

Do I press on? Or do I reflect on the current moment?

I don’t know.

I want to be the best I can possibly be. What and who is the best I can be? I don’t know. I my mind I have created and set up what that should look like, and in reality I am failing left and right. I suddenly have this sense and urge to fix and improve that, for myself, and for the people in my life.

Then fast forward to last night, another very dear friend sent an article about “Quashing the Self-Improvement Urge” (by Leo Babauta). An article about being content in the moment. Contentment. In the moment. Accepting who I am, where I am. There it is, back again…almost 5 years later. Again, at a time when I am NOT happy, nor am I content.

When I read the article I was angry and did not like it. Of course I need to improve, I am clear mad mess! How dare someone suggest I should remain so. Then reason hit me and I understood.

Will it be easy? No. Definitely not.

Uncomfortable? Yes. Definitely yes.

How does it work, contentment? I don’t know. Back to square one. Another new beginning. Relearn this whole process all over again. Ugh, I don’t like starts. Never have, and never probably will. I want always be in the state of being the best I could be. But that is unrealistic, and not real and quite frankly, boring. I should be okay with this. I LOVE change, seriously. So why do I hate the idea of not “self-improving”??? It would be a change from the normal. Maybe because it is another way I have to let go. Let go of what I have, what I want, and what I think “could be”.

Hmm, a new challenge. Not the kind of challenge I was hoping for, but I guess we don’t get to decide those kind of things. A new beginning, it hurts, but I have done it in the past, I suppose I can do it again. My only hope is I will carry this new beginning with pure grace and peace. And contentment.

Have a peaceful holiday.